I Have the Most Stubborn Kid on the Planet

I think that I have heard virtually every parent I’ve ever worked with, or even encountered, talk about how they have or know the most stubborn kid on the planet. If you haven’t met this mom yet, venture out to the park….or the grocery store….or visit a mom group on social media. They’re everywhere and they’re all living their reality. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that perception is reality and that in that parent’s world, their child really is the most stubborn child they’ve ever encountered.

Let me go ahead and address this right now: I’m not the type of person that is going to think we need softer language. I’m not going to attack someone for using the word “stubborn” instead of “strong-willed.” There are certainly some words that are downright hurtful and offensive and those should be avoided, but stubborn is not one of them. There’s nothing wrong with being stubborn or strong willed or whatever you’d like to call it.

I have one of these. In fact, I have a couple of these and they are stubborn in very different ways and for very different reasons. I have the typical oldest child who is stubborn because life experience is the best teacher. I have the kind of stubborn that comes with a child on the spectrum that isn’t something that they intend or can even help. I have the kind of stubborn that will refuse to eat at all for days at a time just to prove control. I have dealt with pretty much all of them and I can tell you that it feels no different as a parent, regardless of which kind of stubborn it is. It’s defeating.

Here’s the reality…..

Stubbornness is not something you can change but you can change the habits of a stubborn child. It’s not about “fixing them.” It’s about changing their habits so that they will be able to succeed in adult life instead of thinking that everyone will always bow to their whim. It’s about giving them control in a way that helps them to understand that they have choices, but not everything in life is negotiable. At the end of the day, parents that choose not to deal with their stubborn child’s behavior are subjecting the world to a future adult that thinks that there are no consequences for his/her actions because they will just argue to get out of whatever is going on. Not only is this not fair to the world but it’s not fair to your son or daughter. Your job as a parent is to prepare them for the world, not tiptoe around them and take the easy way out.

I’m not here to tell you I have a fast and easy solution because every kid is different. What I can tell you through many moons of life experience is that consistency is key. For instance, if your teenage son stays up all night, tries to sleep all day, and refuses to come to dinner because he’s too exhausted, the easy answer is to let him sleep and let him “hit a wall” that you imagine he will hit with this. He doesn’t have to eat but he does need to come upstairs and sit with everyone. He still has control of his body and his meal choice but he does not have control over the schedule of the house. His choice was to stay up all night but he does not get to get out of his responsibilities and part of his responsibility is contributing to the household….even if it’s just as a grumpy face at the dinner table.

If your teenage daughter decides she doesn’t want to do her homework because you can’t make her, address it. Of course you can’t hold a pencil in her hand and make her do her homework but you can take away her electronics or her ability to go hang out with friends. You see, she still has control over her choices of whether or not to do her homework but she doesn’t get control over meeting her responsibilities, even if that’s doing math homework for twenty minutes after school instead of chatting with friends.

It’s not about winning some sort of epic battle of wills; it’s about teaching them how life will treat them in the future while they’re still at home in a safe place. Their college professor will not give them months to make up assignments because they wanted to play video games instead of doing papers. Their boss at work will not continually let them come in late because they stayed up all night and overslept. You don’t have to be hard on them to be consistent. This is your free time and this is when we eat and what we are offering to eat (the alternative is a sandwich of your making). This is your free time and this is when we get up and go to school. It’s not about taking away ALL choices but introducing the concept that life is not always a series of choices…some things are just what we do and it’s not always fun.

What it comes down to is this…. Adult life means having to work, pay bills, and be a productive member of society. Parenting is about preparing kids for that and it means different things in different phases of life. Obviously you don’t teach a toddler about separating laundry, washing it in different temperatures, and hang-drying certain things but you definitely can teach them to put their clothes into a laundry basket. Parenting is about consistency and preparation for the outside world and, guess what, it’s not supposed to be easy or fun. You don’t get to be their friend until they’re much, much older and there’s going to be times when your kids dislike you for making them do things. Wouldn’t you rather it be them being mad at you for a week for making them learn that the world doesn’t work on their schedule than have them not be able to hold down a job because they think the job should conform to their schedule? (And before someone points it out, you can obviously work from home but even that requires consistency on your part leading up to and building a business, etc).

So, if you’re a parent of the most stubborn child in the world, keep your chin up. Be consistent, love them where they’re at, but help them learn to thrive in the future.