One of my biggest pet peeves in blended families is the focus on the word “step.” I did a little bit of research and the word “step” in this context comes from an Olde English word that means “orphan.” In short, the word stepmother (for instance) was created to describe a mother of someone that married and took on an orphaned child. Let’s face it though….most step parents of today are not parents of an orphaned child. Most step parents today are the result of a remarriage to a significant other that has children.

There are some that use the argument that “step parents” are those that step up when no one else will. Again, I don’t buy into this argument. There are plenty of productive families out there with two great parents that just didn’t have a marriage that worked out. The new significant others to the involved kids are not stepping up when no one else will. They are simply a great addition to the kids’ lives. I mean, who doesn’t think kids can use as many positive influences as possible in their lives? Show of hands?

There are all sorts of images that come to mind with the term step parent, and more commonly with step mothers. Step mothers bring about images of Cinderella and her evil step mother. Step parents are often perceived to be these evil beings that want to take the place of the divorced parent of the same gender (i.e. step mom supposedly wants to replace mom, etc). In most cases, this is also false.

In all instances of late, step seems to indicate “less.” It seems to indicate that the step parent is less of a parent than biological parent. Again, I don’t believe this to always be the case and here’s why… biology does not always mean anything when it comes to parenting. There are plenty of biological parents that bailed on their kids and someone stepped in to take their place. Does this mean the “adopted” parent is less of a parent? I don’t think so. I’m not an expert but here’s my perspective…..

Step does not mean less.

I’ve been a step child and I can tell you that I have had step parents that made me feel every bit as nurtured and loved, if not more so, than my biological parent. I’m in a relationship with a man that has kids and I do not love those children any less than I love my own. The negative connotation that comes with the word “step” needs to stop.

Here’s the thing……

I’m a firm believer in kids having as many positive influences around them as possible. I don’t think you can ever have too many people around your child to love them. If you are a divorced parent, you really need to put aside your ego and realize that whether you like it or not, your ex’s new spouse is part of your child’s life. Instead of trying to turn it into a contest, why not take the opportunity to turn it into a bigger safety net for your child? Sit down with your ex and their spouse and express that you want to make sure that your child has a safe and healthy relationship with all parents involved and you want to set boundaries, but also support this bigger safety net.

Look, I get it. Some exes are exes for a reason and they are not the type to sit down and negotiate with you.

It doesn’t mean that you can’t make every effort to set a good example. If you are a step parent, let both parents know that you are there to support them in being the best parents possible. You are there to be a nurturing addition to the family, not to replace anyone. This isn’t a renovation, it’s an addition. Here are a few tips I have from my own experiences……

1- If you are the step parent, be prepared for the child to not be happy with changes right off the bat. Keep a positive attitude and remember that this too shall pass. Change is difficult for everyone and they will eventually come around.

2-If you are a divorced parent whose ex has a new spouse, please please please don’t be that person that bad mouths the new spouse. You are not hurting the new spouse; you’re hurting your child. More than that, you are setting a precedent that allows your child to be disrespectful to someone that will be in their daily life for no reason other than your dislike. You bad-mouthing your ex’s new spouse says more about you than them. Sorry, but it does.

3-Encourage, encourage, encourage. What do you do when your child has a difficult teacher that they don’t see eye to eye with? Do you tell them to blow them off and be rude? OF COURSE NOT! You tell them to talk to the teacher and learn to adapt because not everyone in life is going to be easy to deal with. Same thing applies here. Encourage them to try to make a connection because this will not only strengthen their relationship with you, but also with their other parent.

4-Don’t let jealousy get the best of you. When you react negatively about your ex’s new spouse, you’re really just making yourself look bad. No matter how young your kids are, they will read your negative behavior and they will eventually see that it’s all based around jealousy. You divorced for a reason, right? Own that. Move on and realize that you don’t need to be jealous because you have your whole life ahead of you. Grow, thrive, and be the person you are inside….not petty or jealous. Be a good example.

5- Finally, be the change. I cannot say this enough. Be the positive example that you want your kids to be. Be the great parent that you are inside. One of the biggest issues I’ve seen bubble up is that a jealous parent reacts poorly and then the step parent feels that they need to step in to be nurturing to the child, which results in aforementioned jealous parent thinking the step parent is trying to take over. All of this could have been prevented if the biological parent had just set a good example to begin with! Be the good example that is needed for your child. Be the change you wish to see in the world…. in your own home and beyond.

Remember, above all, the kids are what is important here. Deep breaths, positive attitudes, and focus on them! It’s all going to be okay. You’ve got this.