Okay bio moms and dads, this one is aimed at you. Step parents, please step aside for a moment, you will be addressed momentarily. If you are a biological parent, whether you have remarried or not, welcome to the post. Divorce is hard and I congratulate you for surviving it and hopefully learning the lessons to heal from the experience so you don’t repeat your mistakes. Now your ex-spouse has chosen to remarry (or be in a long-term relationship) and, regardless of how or when it may have started, you are feeling a little bitter and perhaps, it’s affecting your feelings about your child. Let’s be honest, folks, the vast majority of the time, when parents lash out about “I don’t want that man/woman around my child”, it has more to do with their own insecurity than the child’s safety and well-being. (Yes there are exceptions to this, of course). Here’s the thing…. you can spend all of your time bitterly turning this into a battle or you can sidestep that and focus on what you can control in the situation.

Here are things that you can do to sidestep that clown cart…..

1. Have a very real, grown up talk with your ex-spouse and the new parent. This is not you controlling them or them controlling you. This is setting boundaries and you have to realize something big: what happens in their house is not your business as long as your child is safe and taken care of. That means you and your ex-spouse are in charge of school, religion, and medical decisions but you don’t get a say in whether Sally Sue has a 8:00 or 8:30 bedtime in their house, whether Sally Sue has to make her bed/have chores, or whether Sally Sue gets pop tarts for breakfast instead of eggs. The point of this discussion is to establish that you and ex-spouse are in charge of big decisions but that you are (I know…grit your teeth here if you must) grateful that your child has a support parent there to love them too.
2. Have a very real, age-appropriate talk with your child. Mom is still mom, dad is still dad but it’s so exciting that you get to have a bonus parent that will help mom and dad care for you. That’s even more love, more support, and more people cheering for you on graduation day, kiddo.
3. Have a very real talk with yourself. You are going to need to fight your urge to control every part of this and hate this person just because. You don’t have to like them on a personal level, but they are in your child’s life now and you need to work together. This will ultimately BENEFIT YOUR CHILD (this is the entire end goal here).
4. Have a very real talk with your family and encourage your ex-spouse to do the same. We do not bad-talk the ex-spouse or their new significant other in the presence of this child. Period. We don’t. Repeat after me: This is all about the kids, folks.
5. Check your ego at the door when it comes to holidays and gatherings. Divorce is hard but, guess what, when it comes down to it, this is about the kids. That means some years, you may celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve or Thanksgiving the day after. Some years, you may get them on their birthday and some years you may not. Be respectful. That means if you’re splitting a holiday, have them at their other parent’s house on time. If they’ve given you a holiday you didn’t legally “get” in the divorce, say, “Thank you.” Your child is not an object and whether you like each other or not, you are in this together and your focus is your child….not your ego.

The point in all of this is that you are not doing anyone any favors by being selfish, egotistical, or territorial over a child of any age. Use the opportunity to mold the situation into something productive so your child ultimately benefits for many years to come.

AND A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE BOTH OF YOU…..IT’S NOT A COMPETITION. The fastest way to mess up a kid’s life is to turn it into Mom vs Dad. Not only does this teach THEM to do this but it encourages them to think that you’re not a team when it comes to the important things. You may think that one parent (bio or bonus) doesn’t do something well, but you don’t need to make a spectacle of yourself to prove it. Honest discussion=good. Comparison and ugliness=bad.

Now bonus parents (aka step parents), here’s your part:

Support your significant other during this process. Check YOUR ego at the door. You are not the parent and you don’t have to like everything the parent does. If you have something to add, fantastic! Maybe you have a new tradition or you have a new study method to try. Maybe you are just there to support the parents through a transition to an IEP or a child’s health issues. The point is you are a support parent. You’re an addition to create a more sturdy foundation for this child. Choose to be a bigger person and make the child your priority in this.

The center of all of this comes down to one thing: Divorce is messy and the opposite of fun, but before, during, and after divorce, your priority is 100% your child(ren). It is your job to make this experience one that is beneficial to them. So put your egos aside and just be grateful and focused on creating the biggest network of people that love your child unconditionally that you can!