As a parent, you love all of your children unconditionally. You might bond with one a little more than another at a given time and you definitely are going to bond with them in different ways base on their personalities and needs, but there comes a time with every mom of more than one where one of your kids is just hard to love. It might be a clash in personality at a particular age. It might be that a specific age or stage is really hard to deal with. You might not be ready to admit you’re having an issue liking your kid occasionally, and that’s okay. You’ll get there.

Before I even get into this, let me be clear in what I’m conveying. When I say that you might not like your kid right now or that they are hard to love, understand that I am not in any way, shape, or form saying that you love them less. Your love for your child is unconditional. And let me give the parents that are reading this getting all on-guard a little bit of a mental hug right now. It’s okay to admit that your kid is not perfect and that they can be a bit of a butthole sometimes. That’s okay. If we’re all honest with ourselves, we are buttholes sometimes too. Admitting they are “hard to love” essentially just means they’re having a difficult moment, day, week, month, year, or decade. Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a commitment to working at something daily in order to make sure that those around you get how much you care.

Now that I’ve said that, here goes….

Mom/Dad your kid isn’t being very nice right now. Take a deep breath. We all know you love them but they’re not making it very easy to like them right now. Take a moment for yourself to center yourself. Maybe that looks like having a glass of wine or talking to a friend. Maybe that looks like taking a walk or meditating. Maybe that looks like journaling or watching television. Whatever it looks like to you, take a moment to stop and center yourself. If your child is in a safe environment (aka your toddler is throwing a tantrum but there’s nothing around for them to hurt themselves with or your teenager has slammed his door and is in his room), you can breathe and take a moment to get yourself straight so you can react in a way that encourages growth.

Now repeat after me: Anger and frustration usually stem from a feeling of fear or lack of control. I’m not a psychologist or a psychiatrist so I’m strictly speaking from life experience here. Anger and frustration are normally a reaction to feeling out of control or afraid of something that is happening.

“Well that’s all well and good but it doesn’t give them the right to __ (fill in the blank)__”

You’re absolutely right. It does not. That is their immature reaction to inability to cope with emotions. It is your job to walk them through this. Have you taken a moment for yourself? Okay, let’s proceed….

Go to your child and, in an age appropriate way, tell them that you’re sorry they’re feeling frustrated or angry. Ask them to calmly explain to you what they’re feeling. Now here’s the key….they might not know how to do that. You might need to guide them. “It’s frustrating sometimes when we can’t have the toys that we want” or (in a possible teenager scenario) “It’s frustrated when we’re grounded from the things that are important to us.” Then let them know that you acknowledge their feelings: “I understand that you are feeling frustrated right now.” Finally, let them know that you are available to help them find a resolution for their feelings (Note that I’m not saying give in to them and give them whatever they want but help them to navigate the emotions) by saying something like “Let’s find a plan for how we can work on avoiding this problem in the future.” Allowing them to be proactive encourages them to take ownership of the emotions and the solution.

Let’s look at an example:

Johnny is upset that his video games were taken away for making the choice to not do his homework. Johnny yells that he hates you and slams his door. Take a moment and breathe and allow Johnny a moment to vent himself in a safe environment. Knock on Johnny’s door and tell him you’d like to speak with him. Tell him, “I want to talk to you because I love you and I know you’re frustrated. I’d like to help you find a plan for what we can do to resolve this frustration.” Johnny may or may not feel like talking but he will understand that you love him and that you’re trying. Eventually this does sink in, whether they show it outwardly or not.

The point in all of this is the following: The kids that are going through the rough patches and are more angry, frustrated, and hard to get along with are the ones that are probably the most afraid of losing control. While you should never justify a choice to behave badly or give them permission to make bad choices intentionally, you can understand that the choices they are making and the way they are acting out is their immature brain’s way of saying, “I’m afraid. I feel out of control.” The most important thing you can do for your child in these moments is to reassure them that no matter how much they act afool or how much they act out, you are going to love them through it. When they are acting out the most, they are generally in need of confirmation that you love them the most.

Breathe mama/dad, you’re doing awesome.