Kids can be persistent, can’t they? They hear the words “maybe” and they think it means there is a blood oath to make something happen. They hear that little Susie down the road has the newest video game and they have to have one of their own and won’t let up until you give in. My grandfather used to say it was like a dog with a bone…they’ll chew it and chew it and chew it.

Some kids are the easy listeners when it comes to this. I don’t pretend to know why. As always, I mention that I’m not an expert, a shrink, etc. This is from my life experience. Some kids are just more inclined to listen when you say “drop it.” Whether it’s a personality thing or a rule-following thing or maybe they’ve just learned that when Mom says “drop it”, she means business. But some are very easy.

…..and then there are the difficult ones.

You know the ones I’m referring to. These are the kids that get an idea in their head and will not let it go. They are relentless is bugging you about it, having it be the only topic of conversation, and even in some cases, throwing tantrums over it. They are the kids that blatantly refuse to apologize (even if they’re pointedly wrong) and the kids that will not let any topic go. They are generally argumentative by nature, but this is not always the case. Many of them have been allowed to do this without ever being stopped but this is not universal. Regardless, these kids are challenging.

It’s hard to know, as a parent or step parent, when to just let things go. Should I let them continue to harp like a toddler about something? Should I stop them, ground them, punish them…what should I do? And the answer to that is going to depend on your child. Here’s what I can definitively say from experience.

1. If it’s becoming an issue of dis-rest in your home, it needs to stop. It might be that little Johnny needs to be told that he needs to drop it or his X box will get taken away for a day every time he brings it up. It might be a conversation that just says they won’t get it at all if they keep bringing it up. Regardless, it is absolutely not okay for a child to think that they can push and push and push to get what they want and that you will give in simply to shut them up. Period.
2. Dr. Phil always says that people do what works for them so stop making it work. Let them know that if they are going to use this tactic, they will get absolutely zero of what they are asking for….ever. Period. Give them an alternative method of asking. For instance, “Billy, I know you really want a new video game but we don’t just buy video games for no reason. If you can present me a good plan for how you’re going to earn 2/3 of the money, I will pay for the other 1/3 BUT I will not be listening to any other discussions on the topic.” End of story.
3. When it involves a matter of disrespect or harm, there are no compromises. If you’ve screamed at your teacher, you need to apologize. Period. If you’ve physically hurt someone, you need to apologize. Period. No excuses, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Disrespect is a no compromise area in my home. (By the way, this applies to adults being respectful of kids, as well).

I say that to say this….. Sometimes you just need to drop it too. If it’s become a standoff and both sides are being stubborn, sometimes you just need to say, “You know what…we’re done discussing this” and let this be the end of it. Not only does this show your child that no one’s winning and no one’s losing here, but it also puts the baby to bed. In these cases, I like to sit down and have a real discussion in a comfortable environment. “Look, Johnny, this situation is stressing you out (acknowledge their feelings first), your dad out (acknowledge someone they admire), me out (sandwich in your own feelings), and everyone else in the house out (acknowledge that it’s affecting everyone). We are spinning our wheels and I don’t want you (again, acknowledge their feelings) to be stressed about this anymore. We are all going to just agree to disagree and move on. There are no punishments (basically you’re getting a freebie here) but there are also no rewards (you’re getting nothing from this behavior). No one wins and no one loses and we just move on.”

Here’s the thing: Kids are going to be relentless sometimes and that’s okay. It’s a sign that maybe, just maybe, when the going gets tough as an adult, they will be that relentless in the pursuit of good things. There are very few arguments, though, that are worth their sanity or yours. Sometimes it’s okay to just drop it and move on. No one “wins”, no one “loses….. they just move on.

May the force be with you as they move into their teenage years and may you find the peace that you desire as often as you can.