I took and continue to take parenting advice with a grain of salt. In fact, when I attend baby showers and they ask you to write down advice for the new parent, my advice is always to take parenting advice with a grain of salt. Why? Because everyone wants to give it. Your parents, your significant other’s parents, your friends parents, Facebook friends, friends who don’t have kids…the list goes on and on. Add in parenting books, websites, and apps and you are going to feel like you’re losing your mind if you try to process everything. Now let me preface, as always, by saying that I am not a PHD, licensed counselor, etc. I’m a mom of many and have worked with kids my entire life. These are my observations, experiences, and comments as such.

Continuing on.

As parents, we are inundated with advice. We are told what we are doing wrong, what we need to do differently, and what we can do right. Most of it, honestly, is crap. Every kid is different and, despite what “experts” on the topic might have you thinking they know, they probably don’t have kids themselves or largely had their kids cared for by someone else. (No, this is not universal, by any means, just an observation over the years). Side note: Take note of every person that says “my kid will never” before they have kids…because it’s sort of glorious watching their kids do whatever it is times ten when they’re brought into the world. I digress.

One of the best pieces of parenting advice I can give from years of working with kids is that sometimes is just takes a change of hands. My grandmother told me this when my oldest child was born and she was crying hysterically one day and immediately stopped when my grandmother got her. I felt terrible…like a bad parent. Why can’t I calm my baby? Her response? Sometimes it just takes a change of hands. Sometimes when the baby is upset, it just takes someone else that has not been up all night and has had a chance to have a real shower that lasts more than two minutes to cradle the baby and envelope him/her with the calm that is grandparenting (or aunting, uncling, etc). It’s not you, it’s not even the baby….it’s just the situation. I experienced this often as a nanny and would always explain to the parents that it wasn’t magic….sometimes the baby just needed a change of hands.

Enter teenage years.

Are you pulling your hair out yet? Have you gotten grays? Teenagers are hard and, honestly, every one is different and can be difficult at different times in different ways. However the same rule applies to them. There will be times that you can talk and talk and talk to your teenager about something. You can punish them. You can reward them. You can bribe them. Pick your poison. Then magically some other trusted adult comes into the picture and says the EXACT same thing you’ve been saying and they listen. It’s not about you or your relationship with them. It’s exactly like it is with the baby…sometimes they just need that calm to envelope them and to have a figurative change of hands.

Now enter the complicated step parent part of this.

It is a natural inclination of a divorced parent to feel a sense of territory over their child and this is generally out of fear that the step parent is trying to replace them, or that the child will naturally do this. Don’t get me wrong…there are situations where step parents do try this. However, I would venture to say that the vast majority of step parents don’t want to replace anyone. If you are a bio parent and your teenager has been being difficult, why not let the step parent (if they’re willing) give that talk a go. It might be the change of hands that your child needs. Breathe and understand that if nothing else has worked, it definitely can’t hurt to give it a try…and if it works, it is not a reflection of anything except the need for a change of hands.

If you’re in the midst of teenage angst, take a breath and consider the option to allow a change of hands. It might be exactly what both of you need!