As a step parent, one of the most challenging things can be to forge your traditions with your spouse. Maybe that’s because your spouse already has a tradition in place. Maybe that’s because your spouse has no tradition whatsoever in place and, thus, the kids aren’t used to having any traditions on a particular day. With one of my step parents, growing up, the tradition was Christmas Eve mass at the local Catholic church….except I’m not Catholic….and they never went to church outside of that mass….and it was at midnight. Nonetheless, I remember getting dressed in my Sunday best and sitting through an unfamiliar service with my bio parent that was not anywhere near interested in the service, to make sure that my step parent knew i appreciated the gesture. With another step parent, it was opening one present at a time on Christmas Eve….painfully slow….moving around the circle.

My traditions with my kids were built around time, not stuff. They’re also built with the understanding that as my kids age, they’re going to likely have a significant other and build their own traditions. In fact, I’ve been very frank with them that I know they will build their own traditions and that even if we take an hour or two on Christmas Eve to zoom call each other and chat, it’s really the idea of “togetherness” and time that matters. For my stepkids, they’ve never really had traditions in spades. They might have traveled to a grandparent’s house but they didn’t have set traditions. Thus, any tradition you even attempt to involve them in ends in an eye roll and more frustration than it’s worth. So how do you handle it….

For me (and I’m not a medical professional, etc, just life experience), they have the option to participate but it’s not essential. I’m not going to force you to sit down and watch Christmas movies with us or play some silly Easter game. I’m going to invite you, but I’m not going to force you. The reality is that it took some feelings being checked at the door on my part. I wanted so badly for them to get the experience of a tradition because they’d never really had it and I knew how much my kids enjoyed it. It took me checking my ego at the door and saying, “It’s okay if you’re not interested but please know you’re invited” and then letting that be the end of it.

Here’s the thing….

Not everyone is going to love your traditions, or lack thereof. Your kids are going to likely have friends or significant others that join you for holidays down the line that are not going to be as into things as you are (or as distant from tradition as you are) and that’s okay. Evolution is key to a species survival. In other words, you might need to change the way you do things or leave it open instead of mandatory. You might need to accept that you have a stepchild that will never want to do a glow in the dark Easter Egg Hunt, even if there’s cash in the eggs. You might need to accept that your son’s new wife does not like to read “The Night Before Christmas”. It doesn’t mean that you have to change everything, or even anything, but it does mean that you have to remember that holidays are often open to interpretation.

And for the sake of saying it…..

Please don’t be the parent that poo poo’s on your ex’s new spouse having a tradition. If your ex’s new husband always spends Easter with his grandmother, please don’t taunt your kids about it or talk about it in an ugly fashion around them. Here’s the thing: you don’t have to like your ex, or his new wife (just an example), or even understand the tradition. You ARE the parent, though, and you trash talking your child’s step parent and their attempt to have a tradition is just making the situation harder and putting your child in a position where they are going to automatically have a bias going in and won’t even try to enjoy it…just to please you. Be the bigger person: encourage them to give it a chance and tell them how fun or interesting it might be.

The point is this: Don’t create so much focus on the tradition that you forget about the people and certainly don’t poo on other people’s traditions. The world is a big, beautiful place and there are billions of different types of people on the planet that celebrate in different ways. Take a moment, breathe, and be the change your kids need to see in the world this Easter/Passover/Spring Solstice (or any other holiday I’ve missed) season. Let’s focus on creating a generation of kids that appreciate the effort and love that different people celebrate different ways, who embrace change, and even more so who embrace the diversity and inclusion that holidays can bring.