I hear consistently people talking about their kids screaming at them. I’ve witnessed it in my former position. However I had never lived it. One of the reasons is because I started “match my tone” at a very early age. I preface, as always by saying that I’m not a psychologist or medical professional and these are just life experiences and observations. Early on, when my kids were toddlers and threw the inevitable tantrum, I made it my habit to calm my body before I dealt with theirs. In essence, I would say to myself “You are in control. Don’t react out of frustration. They are frustrated too.” It’s amazing how much this mantra helps when you came from a home where you were most definitely struck out of anger. Then, I would sit down on their level and talk to them and, even if they were crying and raising their voice as they did so, I maintained the calm tone.

As they got older and had more capability to understand, I would tell them, “I hear you starting to yell. Do you hear how calm my tone is? I need you to find your calm tone too.” It almost gave them a minute to redirect their brain. (I also would give them a few minutes to collect themselves when they’d get too frustrated and over the top to “find their happy face” and when they’d come out, I’d tell them to tell me a knock knock joke but that’s a different tale for a different day). When they’d tell me what was frustrating them, I’d echo with, “I know that’s frustrating. I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way. Let’s find a solution together.” Identify the feeling, empathize, and work toward a solution.

During the teen and tween years, they were already better positioned to handle their emotions because we’d work through it. At that point, I’d just tell them to “match my tone.” In fact, I still use this is they get frustrated. It redirects their brains.

Then I started teaching dance….and had my kids’ friends over….and became a step parent. All of these dealt with kids who had NOT been taught to deal with their emotions, or even identify them. Irony? Same basic pattern of behavior to get to the result. When the child gets frustrated and you feel the tension rising and their tone matching that, respond back with a calm tone and identify it (i.e. I’m speaking to you in a very calm voice. “), empathize (“I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated right now and I’d like to help.”), and find a solution (“If x is bothering you, would y be the solution?”) Now, at first, they aren’t going to necessarily find the solution on their own because they’ve never been taught, but you can walk them through that process. Eventually, they’ll learn to resolve it all on their own.

Closing note: People tend to think that if their kids were not taught skills from the start, they can’t learn them. This is just not true. The important part is you making sure to compose yourself and walk them through it. Meditate, journal, go to the gym, do whatever your hobby is, or whatever is needed to keep yourself in your most calm state as often as possible and that will reflect on the atmosphere when dealing with your child. (And yes, even people who meditate daily, lose their minds every once in awhile. ) Above all, just know that when you’re doing your best, your child (or whatever child you’re dealing with) senses that and responds as such. Keep on keeping on. You’re doing great!