There’s a great book that talks about shame by Brene Brown called “Daring Greatly.” Now please don’t get the idea that it’s all about shame; it’s not. It’s a great book about pushing past your perceived limitations to learn to “dare greatly.” (This isn’t some kind of endorsement for her book and so on and so forth). In the book she refers to a man saying that he was constantly trying to please his wife but every time he started to get close to everything she wanted, she moved the goal posts. I couldn’t help but find this a comparable reference, as well, to how we parent the difficult child in our family.

I’ve discussed this before but I say the following first: the difficult child is not referring to the child in our household that is on the spectrum, the two in the house with diagnosed ADHD, or anything based some medical diagnosis. Those conditions are challenges but challenges can be worked on and overcome. I’m talking about the kid in the house that just completely disregards all concern for others, demands, throws consistent tantrums if they don’t get their way, does the polar opposite of what’s asked…you get the idea. I also preface by saying that I don’t have any sort of degree in psychology/psychiatry and I’m not a medical professional. This is all based on life experiences both growing up in a blended family, being a child care professional for many many moons, and being a parent of many myself.

Now with that out of the way, let’s real talk.

There’s almost always a difficult child in a large family, particularly blended ones. People often write off their behavior as jealousy over not being the center of attention anymore or jealousy at having to share mom/dad. They write it off to being out of sorts from sharing a house. They write it off to them being the oldest or the youngest or not being the oldest/youngest anymore and being a middle child. Over and over excuses are made for their inappropriate behavior because parents in blended families all feel it at one time or another: shame. The parent is afraid of upsetting the child and having them want to only spend time at their other parent’s house. The step parent gets a special kind of juggling act where they not only are trying to be supportive to the child’s well-being, but also to try to support their spouse.

Some of the writing off is probably valid, especially at first. Here’s the reality though…. parents allow this guilt, this shame, this fear to run their lives and, thus, it runs their interactions with the difficult child.

Example 1: Problem child is told not to take dishes into their bedroom. Problem child does this. Problem child is given an extra dish night for doing so. Problem child continues to repeat this behavior to see how far they can push. Problem child throws tantrum to bio parent that it’s unfair that they have to keep doing dishes (regardless of their choices that are leading that punishment). Step parent looks and says, “Clearly it’s working if they’re reacting to it. Take this opportunity to explain to them that they’re in control and if they don’t want dish nights, don’t take dishes to their room.” Bio parent feels guilt and shame that the child is upset and fear that the child might not like being at their house… bio parent gives in, thus causing tension between the “parents” in the household and moving the goal post to say, “If you throw a big enough fit, you’ll get your way.”

Example 2: Problem child says awful, inappropriate things to step parent. As a result, electronics are taken away until child apologizes. Child persists in behavior. Step parent knows that child is testing limits and that it’s important to teach children to respect others in their home. Child throws tantrum, screams in bio parent’s face, and says that bio parent is making them do something they don’t want to do (ummm yes, yes they are because it’s about making you a better person, my child). Bio parent lashes out at step parent. Step parent then has to have no apology and child gets back belongings. Child has not had goal posts moved and learns that you can be completely terrible to people and there are no consequences.

Example 3: Problem child chooses not to participate in school and fails all classes. Problem child is told that they are expected the next semester to get no D’s or F’s because they have teachers literally holding their hand. Problem child persists in behavior. Step parent says, “You need to show real consequences. If you don’t want to remove electronics altogether, limit them for the summer because they chose to continue to avoid work.” Child throws fit. Bio parent not only moves goal post but gives the child extra money for a game because they had only three D’s but no F’s (for reference, child made zero effort). Child has goal posts moved and learns that if they just push hard enough, the parent will eventually give in.

Each time, the problem child’s goal posts are moved and, without realizing it, the bio parent is making it easier and easier for them to continue bad behavior. Throw a tantrum, get a reward. Stubbornly refuse to do something, get a reward. The point is that moving the goal posts is not about compromise…compromise is doing something that is beneficial for both sides. Moving the goal posts is about giving in so that your team can win. And guess what? It’s beneficial to no one in the long run. You’re not helping your child. You’re not helping yourself and you’re certainly not helping your significant other.

Meanwhile, the other kids in the house watch and think, “Why does that sibling always get their way? Why don’t I get the same expectations?” By moving the goal posts for one kid’s success regardless of their bad behavior, you’re moving the goal posts further away for the other kids. You’re seeding one kid to win while all of the others have to lose. It doesn’t sound so great now, does it.

Here’s the reality….

Kids are going to get mad. Period. Blended family, “traditional family,” raised by grandparents, raised by foster parents, it’s all the same on this point. Kids are going to get mad. They’re particularly going to get mad when they’re not getting what they want. The line between teaching your kids independence and individuality is a rather thick line with complete disregard for others and selfishness on the other side. It’s not some thin line that is easily straddled. It’s okay for kids to get mad because, guess what, they’ll get over it. They might “want to go live at dad’s” for a day or two…until they calm down and realize that if they just do x, the result is always y. Every time you move the goal post for the difficult child to make things easier, you make it harder on the kids that are on the other side. You also make it harder on your difficult child later in life when the boss at work or the professor in college won’t make exceptions.

I know it’s hard but breathe and repeat after me: My kid can be mad at me and that’s okay. I know I’m doing what’s best for them by teaching them to be respectful, responsible individuals. I love them enough to teach them this now and not make them learn this in their twenties.

Now go have a few moments to yourself, refresh, rejuvenate and put back on that parenting armor. It doesn’t get easier but the payoff is big when you put in the work!