My oldest kids are over eighteen and society calls that an adult. Science tells us that the brain isn’t fully developed until mid twenties and, thus, the ability to see the long term consequences of choices is stunted. In some cultures, children are betrothed from birth. In other cultures, kids live with their parents well into adulthood. Adult is such a relative term.

My son and I had a discussion recently about real adults privileges. Essentially the discussion was that if he wanted “real adult” privileges like staying out all night and not letting anyone know where he was, he needed to be a “real adult” out on his own. In the words of many great parents before me: “If you’re gonna live in my house, you will live by my rules.” It’s not trying to limit what you’re allowed to do…. it’s a courtesy. My significant other and I don’t willy nilly up and leave without letting anyone know if we won’t be back either. It’s respect.

It brings up an interesting topic though: when are kids real adults? Is it when they turn 18? Is it when they finish college? Is it when they move out? Is it when they have kids of their own?

The reality is that it’s probably relative to your home. In my home, they have expenses they are responsible for, but ultimately they don’t pay rent or bills. They are paying for THEIR expenses. It’s a good way to ease them into adulthood. Are they adults in the legal sense? Sure. Do I still expect them to let me know what they’re doing if they’re going to be gone for an overnight? Yes. Do I need to track them to know what they’re doing every second of every minute of every day? No.

At some point, you have to trust that what you’ve done as a parent has helped them to become good people. That means allowing trust but also allowing for boundaries. I’m not sure when I’ll feel like they’re read adults. Maybe when they have kids of their own…or maybe in some ways they’ll always be my little boy/girl.