It’s a complicated balance when your children travel between two households. Everything is a balancing act: holidays, school functions, birthdays, graduations, the list goes on. However, daily life is also a balance. Mom might run things one way at her house and Dad runs it another. Mom does this over the summer and dad does that. It’s always a balance. We think of it as parents and we always think of the kids that it involves (the ones traveling back and forth) but we don’t think about the kids that are a constant.

What if there are kids that don’t travel back and forth between households?

It’s a very interesting balance for these kids. Their lives are constantly being turned around. They are constantly having to shuffle holidays, etc. They are constantly having to deal with the fact that when one set of kids comes over, their expectations are that they will have everything just like the other house…and somehow they’re made to accommodate. Everything is thrown off for them and we expect them to just fall into line and deal with it.

Here’s the thing: just because they aren’t the squeaky wheel doesn’t mean they don’t require maintenance and attention.

What can you do as a parent? Well, for starters, you can sit down and ask them how they feel about having their holidays shuffled around. You can ask them how they feel about the inability to have a set schedule when someone else comes in demanding that you accommodate them. You can talk to them about how they feel every time the other kids that do travel brag about what they got to do or see at their other house while you (the parent) waited around for the traveling kids to come over because you didn’t want them left out. You can ask them what you do can do help the family be more successful as a whole and then (wait for it) compromise and try to make some deals on what to do.

Also…I know this is a point of contention with some people but it’s okay to do things without the traveling things. I’m not suggesting traveling to Hawaii or going to Disney World without them. I’m saying that it’s okay to say, “We’re going hiking this weekend regardless of who’s here.” or “We’re going to the pool this weekend regardless of who’s here.” It’s okay to do things without them because they are often doing things with their other parent anyway. The world doesn’t have to stop because the traveling kids aren’t there.

A third point, also a point of contention with some, is that the world should not have to accommodate the traveling children because of the parent’s guilt. I’ll say that again more clearly: when you traveling child comes over and leaves dishes in the sink when they know it’s against the rules, they still need to be punished. It seems to be some sort of trap that divorced parents fall into that they’re always afraid the kid won’t want to come over anymore if they get mad. Guess what, they’ll get over it and you will be benefiting the entire family to handle your business instead of tip toeing around them like you’re in a room full of marbles. You see, tiptoeing is how kids get the idea that they’re above the rest of the people in the house…and act as such. Just food for thought.

Finally, talk with the traveling kid and talk with your significant other. You need to talk with the traveling kid and find out what the priorities are. If they prioritize hiking, then make sure hiking is one of the weekends they’re there and maybe mini golf is a weekend they’re not. Make it clear that they can not prioritize EVERY experience because they have another household they get to do things with. Give them choices and let them have some say and then (here’s the important word) COMPROMISE on these things. NOTE: THIS DOES NOT MEAN GIVE THEM THEIR EVERY WISH BUT MAKE EVERY OTHER KID HAVE TO COMPROMISE. Compromise means both sides get a little of what they want. The final important part of this step that really should be completed throughout the process is to talk to your significant other. Discuss that all kids in the house should get the same level of respect and all of them should have access to have experiences outside of the house. All of them. The traveling kids don’t get priority out of guilt. Period.

I say all of that to say this. I’m not a medical professional but if you are feeling so much guilt about your kids traveling back and forth that you spoil them rotten to make up for it, you need to get some help. Whether that’s a counselor, a support group, or a medical professional, you need to get some guidance to deal with the guilt you’re feeling. Ten to one it goes far deeper than the divorce itself. There’s absolutely no shame in talking to someone and trying to heal yourself and take care of your well-being. It will benefit you and your child as well as your significant other. It’s okay to not feel okay. If you need resources, please contact your healthcare professional for more thorough discussion.