While there are probably hundreds of thousands of ways to parent and no one way is perfect, I would argue that there are definitely some things that are more beneficial, regardless of approach. One of those things is encouraging and teaching independence. I would love to say that it looks the same every time and that encouraging independence is a one-size-fits-all methodology, but I would be lying. I have worked in day care, child care, nannying, taught dance classes for children, raised children, and interacted in just about every care giving way for the purposes of this argument. I’m not a doctor or a some sort of professional on the topic, but here’s what I can tell you from decades of experience.

When they’re toddlers, independence is something they innately seek. “I do it myself” is the anthem of toddlerhood and we should definitely embrace it. However, it’s important to teach boundaries to that independence. For instance, they can pick their clothes out but they need to be weather appropriate. They can pick out a vegetable for dinner but they can’t eat candy for dinner. They can pick out their shoes to wear, but they have to be something that’s going to be safe for the environment they’re in (i.e. not flip flops in the snow). Toddlerhood is the age of choices/options for independence.

When they’re elementary school aged, teaching independence is about helping them learn to do the things that they’ve relied on you for. Teach them how to brush and floss on their own. Teach them to tie their shoes. Teach them how to do simple chores and how to track those chores or simple homework tasks themselves. Responsibility is key here but with the understanding that they are still learning to navigate responsibility and independence. Be patient! It’s important to remember that homework is of value (we can argue about volume, etc but the concept is important). Learning to do things that they don’t want to do is important. Learning to study is important. Learning to bring something home and bring it back is important. These are the tasks that lead into junior high age.

Junior high/middle school is when they learn the skills they’ll need for high school. Multiple classes are a new challenge for many junior high/middle school age kids. A larger homework load is now part of their day. Locker etiquette and possibly gym clothes/shoes that need to be washed. Often they are at the age where they can be left at home alone and learning to navigate that (even for fifteen minutes) is helpful. Walking/riding a bike back and forth to a friends house and navigating safety with that is important. The important part is building skills and letting them have some independence, but understanding that there are non-negotiables including safety and respect. Respect yourself, respect others, and respect the environment that you are in.

High school is a whole different stage of independence. In the age of tracking homework assignments in an app and school systems that offer credit recovery that lets kids that slack off make up classes, there’s challenges with actual responsibility (don’t come at me for acknowledging it….. there is a whole population of teachers that hate the credit recovery letting kids that don’t work at all avoid actual consequences). As a parent, it’s your job to draw the line, regardless of what the school tries to offer. It’s your responsibility to say, “No, I won’t be sending Johnny to summer school when he slacks off. He will be getting held back.” Quite honestly, I think that’s what the world is lacking and where a lot of the issue begins. Kids aren’t held back anymore and have no actual consequences for their actions. I think this is where we drop the ball a lot of the time.

Why?

When we refuse to let kids understand that you don’t get one million second chances, they begin to think that’s how the world functions. The world does not always allow second chances. You don’t come in to work on time over and over, you get fired. You don’t do your work assignments that aren’t fun, you get fired. You don’t pay your rent, you get evicted. Second chances are great, but they are not a large part of adult life and when we don’t give our kids the tools to learn to do things on their own, we deny them the opportunity to actually grow. We deny them an opportunity to thrive. For instance, when we get jobs for our kids by applying for them or getting family/friends to hire them, we deny them the opportunity to learn how to apply for and get a job. When we go talk to their bosses on their behalf (when they complain about being treated unfairly), we deny them the opportunity to learn how to advocate for themselves. We are crippling our children’s ability to take care of themselves in the name of “not wanting them to struggle.”

So what’s the answer…..

Understand that your children will sometimes need to struggle and be the soft place to land. You can advise and you should encourage but you definitely shouldn’t do it for them. They might use savings to get themselves out of a pickle they got into…. let them learn. They might lose a friend being fussy…let them learn. They might lose a job because they called in too much or took breaks too long….let them learn. Let them learn while they’re young enough to have the soft place to land. Stop thinking that you’re saving them heartache by doing things for them.

For now, give yourself a hug and remember that it’s your job to prepare them for the world as a productive adult, not to be their best friend.